Intuition

June 21st 2015 I've had a crazy last couple days. In the midst of figure it out I had to take care of some stuff at the hospital. As I approach the steps I see a friend, a former classmate in which I later coached. He looked list and confused. 2 Christmas ago he lost his mom and never quite found his way. I talked to him found out he was admitted under mental health and suicide. Never did I feel so disheartened. I lost all words I could say. Had to go for an MRI so the convo was short lived. The next day I returned to check up on him and Dr's said I missed him by 10 minutes. ‎I had thought off all these things I would say to him. Try and motivate him all of that. And I don't even know if I'll get the chance. Yesterday after another long day I took a nap and when I woke up I began thinking...‎ Intuition is a powerful thing.. sometimes you can't explain what you feel, but yet you know it's what's best.. at least at that very moment. It's weird how I'm relating the two things. Like everything it makes more sense in my head than when I say it. I'm not over you, cause that would be blasphemous. But I do understand and I do feel you. I'm happy you're happy. -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --

Terminally ill

June 9th 2015. It's 3am in the morning and I find myself in front this church. My eyes full of tears, my heart an empty well. A gasp of temporary insanity as I begin to ask myself where did I go wrong? What did I do? Then blame myself for reasons well, should be career should be the one moving in with her. Why did you not get your life together sooner. And then it all stops. A moment of clarity when I realize why I feel as if a hole has been ripped into me, as if I'm nothing. Questions of what else I could of done. Thoughts of whether I did all the right things. Thinking all this time my guesses I were wrong. There's no words to describe any of this. I couldn't care less to attempt. Never been one to show emotion. Couldn't cry to save a life, yet my eyes are filled with droplets of thought, regrets, sadness, anger, what ifs, and questions. I can't help it. I've tried. All of this makes me realize one thing. December 17th 2012, I looked you in your eyes and said, I love you too. I'm not sure if I had known that before that moment, but sealed with a kiss, was a resounding conclusion that this moment, this split second the universe has stopped and nothing before this has mattered and nothing after this will. My heart knew something and so did yours. At times I have too felt the questions of is this right? Is this who I'm meant to be with? And never with a second thought would I say no. It's 3 am and I know longer have tears in my eyes. I am happy. I have smile. I have hope. There are gonna be times in my life I doubt myself. There are gonna be times when I am wrong. But not this time. My heart knows. You are the one. You are my crooked smile, my annoying pick me up, my corky part, my endless love. (I've started singing "You are my Sunshine, My only Sunshine. You make me happy, When skies are grey. You'll never know dear, How much I love you... ") I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I do know that if ever I didn't fight for today I would not deserve to regret tomorrow. It's now almost 4 am and all I have left to say is [___], I love you. -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --

Life support

June 6th 2015 I feel as if a hole has been ripped into me. I feel as if I'm nothing. I don't know what else I could of done. I thought I did all the right things. But I guess I was wrong. There's no words to describe any of this. I couldn't care less to attempt. Never been one to show emotion. Couldn't cry to save a life, yet my eyes are filled with droplets of thought, regrets, sadness, anger, what ifs, and questions. I can't help it. I've tried. I can't even talk to anyone about this because everyone I could have is no longer part of my life. -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --

Alone

I was born 23 years ago. On June 11th I died. June 12th I was born. This is the chronicles of my life. -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --