Tears

I hate getting flashbacks from things i don't want to remember.... I hate sitting here being fine, and then it hits me and i need to cry. I hate that no one will ever see this post and save me from myself. I hate the fact that im such a failure. I haven't succeeded in any thing i've set out to accomplish. I hate it. I hate it all.

tic toc...

It's October 16th 2015. So much has happened and I apologize as much of which will be omitted from this post...where do I begin? Well the truth shall set you free? Yes it has. The truth set me free indeed. I found out the love of my life ultimately left me for someone else. Someone she got with 2/3 days after she walked out on me (which could only mean this has been going on a while before). And you know what.. I thought this would break me. I thought I would have been completely saddened by this. But I wasn't. In fact, I was happy. Blame my personality, but i'm more happy about someone else being happy than my own happiness. Does that make sense to you? It does in my head. To justify it to you: I wouldn't want to have proposed and have her saying yes, if i'm not the one her heart desires. I don't care how much it would have made me happy, but her being happy being with who she truly desires puts me at ease... fast forward to today... I realized that it wasn't the love that I truly missed, but I lost my best friend. Today I was feeling down. A friend lost her father to cancer, and I started thinking bout a high school mate who lost his life to a brain aneurysm. Heavy hearted I tweeted a few things and she msg'd to check up on me. I couldn't open up to her. I couldn't. I'm not ready to not have her as mine. So i've replied this and i'll leave it at that: "Im sorry... i know i can always talk to you and I hope you know the same applies.. besides being my girlfriend, you were my best friend. really and truly mean that. I think the hardest part about u leaving was not losing our relationship, but losing my best friend. So many times there has been things that the only person I wanna tell about is u. but when i turn to my phone i'm instantly reminded of reality. when u msg'd me this afternoon i wasn't me. I haven't been me. i'm sorry for shutting u out like that." -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --

So this is it….

Today is August 10th, 2015. I’m not sure how things got to where it is today. I’m not lost, yet I’m not found. I’m merely drifting in empty space. I’m okay with that. I haven’t given up hope. I know it sounds juvenile and frankly stupid as everyone else has all but given up; everyone but me. And really, that’s all that needs to believe! Time, oh time. You’ve once again proven to be wise. The last 2 months I’ve spent working on identifying myself: Who am I? What do I want? Am I happy with who I am? I’m almost hesitant to say that I’m becoming satisfied with my answers. A lot of good people left my life the last couple years. One of which, was my fault. I’m happy to say, that although the bridge isn’t mended they’re back in my life. For one, she was in my life when I was lost and needed guidance. She came like a blessing or guardian angles walking me to the right path 5 years ago. I’m not sure how it happened or how it ended, but what I do know is the moments we shared were never to be forgotten. Now she’s going through a hell hole of problems. I will not allow her to do this on her own. I owe her at least that much. The second one, well, she’s a bit of problem. A good problem. She was my best friend, she was a great person, great heart. I made a mistake and asked her to leave my life. I regretted it from the moment I said it. Will we ever be how we were? Yes. But she’ll never forget what I did, and I’m okay with that! As for everything else…. -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --

My little white dress

My one regret: Years ago she bought a beautiful white dress with a black i want to say floral design on it. I told she's not allowed to wear this until we go out for a night in which I would later tell her. Months went on and from time to time she would ask about the dress.... The truth is, I was saving every nickle and dime to pay for the most beautiful rose engagement ring. I had everything planned. Finally able to afford it, I asked to come over to her place. We spent the day hanging around. When her step father finally came home, I went outside to ask his permission (to be a traditionalist). I never asked. The nerves were crazy. I went back inside held her. We slept. It was the nicest sleep I ever had. Little did I know, it was the last time I would have that feeling. Days later she left me..... My one regret: I never got to see her in my dress. -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --

Dear everyone,

I beg you, don't make my mistake. Don't let yourself be so angry that you stop loving, because one day you'll wake up from that anger, and the person you love will be gone, and it will be too late to try and get them back. Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn't mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped caring. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you. It's amazing the things you realize when you lose someone: you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a million times, and you take for granted the days spent doing nothing when you could have been with them. Anyone can be taken, at any time in our lives, but we always wait until they're gone to say the things we never had the courage to say before... My biggest fear about my Past Love is that one day she & I will pass each other on the street and exchange fake smiles and an artificial conversation. I could fill a thousand pages telling Her how I felt and still she would not understand. Watching Her walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that I wanted so badly to be with the this person, how beautiful it really is when the right one comes along. If you ask me why I am so broken I simply respond, she’s my everything. I procrastinated proposing because I didn’t feel I was financially able to support us. In hindsight, I have one regret. -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --

Dear Past Love,

To my Past Love (of whom I’m still in love with)... I ask You... Should I hate You because You hurt me? Or should I love You because You made me feel special? What we had was a beautiful thing, but in a way I also want to thank You and whatever driving force was behind us those long years. We cannot beg someone to stay if they want to leave. We have to admit that love doesn't give us the license to own a person. This is what love means...sacrifice. I’ve been told never to talk about what I gave up to make this relationship possible because that’s what life is about. So my sacrifices and life decisions remained sealed. Someday we'll know if love can move a mountain. Someday we'll know why the sky is blue. Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you. You said you love, but you are just not in love with me. I simply do not believe you. Deep down I know it's best for my Past Love and I to be apart, but I still hate the thought of her ever being with someone else. Someone else touching where I once touched....Kissing where I once kissed, and holding what I once held. Sometimes I wish I had never met her because then I could go to bed at night not knowing there was someone like him out there. I can't HAVE her, but at least I can know that I HAD her. -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --

Darkness

I always say "no matter how dark the night is, the sun always rises again..." But truth be told, lost love makes one realize that no matter how bright the day is, the sun will always set again. Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them. There are reasons my past love and I met; reasons for the good and the bad times, and more importantly, a reason for the end. We have more to learn, more to experience, and more loving left in this lifetime. -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --

Lost

Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you've never met… When it comes to my Past Love (of whom I admit to still be in love with), I knew nothing about love before I met her, but she had to break my heart for me to realize what true love really means... The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before. Don't ever give up if you still want to try, don't ever wipe your tears if you still want to cry. Don't ever settle for an answer if you still want to know. I thought that by telling myself and everyone else that I was done with her, sooner or later I would come to believe it. But I now realize that by lying, it made me want her even more. A failing love is like desperately hanging on to something precious; not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain. And, when you finally let go, you're free from any pain, but your hands are empty. When speaking of Lost Love that has Passed, time may heal all wounds, but there will always be scars. When it came to my Past Love, I'm not saying there wasn't anything wrong, I just didn't think she'd ever get tired of me. I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on, I just didn't wanna let it get away. Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean I'm weak... It only means that I am strong enough to let go. Take a look at what you have. Think of all you did to get it.... Remember it only takes one second to lose it all. -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --

Intuition

June 21st 2015 I've had a crazy last couple days. In the midst of figure it out I had to take care of some stuff at the hospital. As I approach the steps I see a friend, a former classmate in which I later coached. He looked list and confused. 2 Christmas ago he lost his mom and never quite found his way. I talked to him found out he was admitted under mental health and suicide. Never did I feel so disheartened. I lost all words I could say. Had to go for an MRI so the convo was short lived. The next day I returned to check up on him and Dr's said I missed him by 10 minutes. ‎I had thought off all these things I would say to him. Try and motivate him all of that. And I don't even know if I'll get the chance. Yesterday after another long day I took a nap and when I woke up I began thinking...‎ Intuition is a powerful thing.. sometimes you can't explain what you feel, but yet you know it's what's best.. at least at that very moment. It's weird how I'm relating the two things. Like everything it makes more sense in my head than when I say it. I'm not over you, cause that would be blasphemous. But I do understand and I do feel you. I'm happy you're happy. -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --

Terminally ill

June 9th 2015. It's 3am in the morning and I find myself in front this church. My eyes full of tears, my heart an empty well. A gasp of temporary insanity as I begin to ask myself where did I go wrong? What did I do? Then blame myself for reasons well, should be career should be the one moving in with her. Why did you not get your life together sooner. And then it all stops. A moment of clarity when I realize why I feel as if a hole has been ripped into me, as if I'm nothing. Questions of what else I could of done. Thoughts of whether I did all the right things. Thinking all this time my guesses I were wrong. There's no words to describe any of this. I couldn't care less to attempt. Never been one to show emotion. Couldn't cry to save a life, yet my eyes are filled with droplets of thought, regrets, sadness, anger, what ifs, and questions. I can't help it. I've tried. All of this makes me realize one thing. December 17th 2012, I looked you in your eyes and said, I love you too. I'm not sure if I had known that before that moment, but sealed with a kiss, was a resounding conclusion that this moment, this split second the universe has stopped and nothing before this has mattered and nothing after this will. My heart knew something and so did yours. At times I have too felt the questions of is this right? Is this who I'm meant to be with? And never with a second thought would I say no. It's 3 am and I know longer have tears in my eyes. I am happy. I have smile. I have hope. There are gonna be times in my life I doubt myself. There are gonna be times when I am wrong. But not this time. My heart knows. You are the one. You are my crooked smile, my annoying pick me up, my corky part, my endless love. (I've started singing "You are my Sunshine, My only Sunshine. You make me happy, When skies are grey. You'll never know dear, How much I love you... ") I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I do know that if ever I didn't fight for today I would not deserve to regret tomorrow. It's now almost 4 am and all I have left to say is [___], I love you. -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --

Life support

June 6th 2015 I feel as if a hole has been ripped into me. I feel as if I'm nothing. I don't know what else I could of done. I thought I did all the right things. But I guess I was wrong. There's no words to describe any of this. I couldn't care less to attempt. Never been one to show emotion. Couldn't cry to save a life, yet my eyes are filled with droplets of thought, regrets, sadness, anger, what ifs, and questions. I can't help it. I've tried. I can't even talk to anyone about this because everyone I could have is no longer part of my life. -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --

Alone

I was born 23 years ago. On June 11th I died. June 12th I was born. This is the chronicles of my life. -- Even in the darkest night, the sun has always risen --